I want to warn you about the post you are about to read. This was written in a fit of frustration last week. It is a very raw and close to the surface entry, but it gives you a glance into my life. So please, be gentle. Later today, or maybe tomorrow, I'll post the 12 of 12 for November. I was very hesitant to post this, but writing it seemed to make me feel a bit better. Maybe someone reading it might feel just a bit better too.
Am I allowed to do this? I am supposed to be asleep. Empty the dishwasher? Not allowed. Lift the dog on to the bed? Not allowed. Move laundry from washer to dryer? Nope, not allowed. Drive? Certainly not allowed. Clean up toys? Nope, not that either. Move a bag of potatoes in to the potato bin? Nope, don’t do that. Give kids medicine or worry if it has been given to them? Nope. Not allowed.
What is allowed? Sleeping. Watching Oprah. Reading magazines. Doing cross stitch. Listening to the I pod. Walking around the block. Eating fruit and prunes (yuck) and drinking tea. All allowed.
Why? Why has my life been turned from the tight ship, run around, organize it, throw it out, put it away, tell them to be quiet, wash the dog, vacuum the carpets, wash the floors to this?
Hysterectomy. I am now rid of the horrid, could turn out to be cancerous, may kill you ovaries. I am free of the uterus and the cervix. I am one week free of the things that killed my mother when I was still a young girl. I am free of the tick, tick, tick.------you are 3 months from the time in your life when you will be 38. When your mom got sick and left. When she died and totally disrupted her dreams and her plans. I am free of all of that.
I didn’t, however, expect it to be this hard. I didn’t expect to feel totally inadequate. I didn’t expect that I would----through my words and actions, make my husband feel frustrated and angry. I didn’t expect that the complete role reversal would set me sideways, on my ear. Ass over elbows, can’t adjust and am having a hell of a time with this. I didn’t expect to feel so lousy, so helpless, so overwhelmed. I knew about the hot flashes and the tears and the hormones out of whack. I didn’t expect this to hit me this hard. I didn’t expect to wonder……..What did I do? Was this the right thing? Will life ever be the same again? Will I ever be free of pain killers? Will I sleep again? Can I make it when my step- mom goes home and I have to negotiate what I can and can’t do? Can I look at the floor that needs to be cleaned and the milk that is not in my refrigerator and ask for help?
Then I try to see through the tears and the frustration and the pain. To see the people waiting in the wings to help me. To see my life going on, as it is. Better than it was. Right now, though, I am having a hard time seeing those things. Through the tears.
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4 comments:
Christy, I am so sorry. Wish I could say something sage, but I can't because I refuse to act like I know how you feel.
I can imagine, though, how hard this must be for you.
Peace in your heart, friend, even if it takes awhile.
Oh, dear. It's rough. I know. I'm the most stubborn person on the planet when it comes to asking for help. Five surgeries in my life have still not made a dent in that stubbornness.
But let me tell you, you have done the right thing. The hot flashes and the hormone changes, well, I haven't gone through those yet, but my mom did when she was in her mid twenties after a hysterectomy for cervical cancer. The fear of cancer or a recurrence is a damn sight scarier than the menopause symptoms. The fear can interrupt your dreams and life as much as the cancer could. You've done what you can to prevent that, and it's going to take some time to get used to it. The immediate future with restricted activity sucks, but you do have a support group. Use them. They WANT to help you. They WANT to be useful to you. And give yourself some time to heal, both physically and psychologically. It's a big thing to get used to, what you've gone through. I wish you the best, and speediest recovery on the planet.
And thank you for your support at my site. Being sick sucks. Being sick and alone is unbearable. I'm not alone, but sometimes I've felt it. Not so much lately, though.
((((HUGS))))
Oh, my. I can't imagine. Can't even imagine. One of the most frustrating things to me is to be unable to do something. I just can't accept it, and I would be angry, hit hard, frustrated, and emotional too - even without the hormones and the life changing event of it all.
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